I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
one two three fourrrrnication!
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize