It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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