3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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