At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize