i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
