i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
