Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
