I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
