Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
