what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
