What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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