He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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