WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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