I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
