so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize