4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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