My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
