I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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