i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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