Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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