Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
