her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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