you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
