Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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