does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
