i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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