there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
