there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I checked into jail on foursquare
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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