I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
