so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
