I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
