You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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