I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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