i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
