I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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