We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
