I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
