i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
