Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I think i got beer on your cat.
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