So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize