I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
