I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Drake has all the answers
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
