How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
