Will you blow on my dice?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
