She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
