Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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