I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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