Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
