New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
