Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
