I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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