Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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