I swear she didn't look like that last week.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
