I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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