At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
