see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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